Infertility · Kate

Writing the next chapter

Last Monday I critiqued my last ever home pregnancy test. Sounds weird, I know, but it was the final snapshot of this flipbook of memories in my mind of all the home pregnancy tests I have ever stared at and over-analyzed. This time though was so, so different.

That first still frame in my mind was dated March 2008, sitting in a steamy hotel bathroom, not believing that 3 short months into trying and two pink lines were staring back at me.  We were overcome with wonder and awe and anxiety and fell in love instantly with the baby those pink lines promised was growing inside of me. Then there was the absolute devastation, feeling as though the bathroom walls were closing in on me, after seeing stark white tests post our four IUI’s, our first fresh IVF cycle and our first Frozen Embryo Transfer in 2009 and 2010. We’ve seen two pink lines after every attempt in the second half of our infertility journey…that’s a total of three chemical pregnancies & 1 miscarriage for me, one chemical pregnancy for my sister…and now the second chemical pregnancy for my sister-our surrogate. Some of those snapshots of pink lines involve pure joy. Some of them involve pure skepticism. This final time involved pure relief.

Monday’s test was so faint we knew immediately we’d be facing another chemical pregnancy scenario. So when Tuesday’s beta number came back at a whopping 19, we were mentally prepared for it. Wednesday’s test was so stark white-my sister didn’t even feel the need to show it to me. Thursday’s beta of a 6 confirmed our expectations.

And despite not having any concrete answers after this almost nine year journey, we have all the answers we need. The stage of our life of using Assisted Reproductive Technology has been written. We tried just about every avenue we could…from IUIs, IVF with ICSI, donated sperm, adopted embryos and even a surrogate. We are closing out this very long chapter with such a strong sense of peace. If there are any stones left to overturn, we are perfectly fine with letting them stay right where they are.

From January 2009 (when we first visited an infertility doc) to September 2016. This chapter has officially ended.

All shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.


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