I’m floundering over here trying to figure out which direction I should take this post, but first I need to figure out even how to begin.
As sisters we’ve been collectively blogging for almost three months now, but I’ve been solo blogging for six and a half years over at IF Life weren’t so IFfy. It’s my blog dedicated to our story of battling through infertility and honestly, I wasn’t sure on which blog I should share today’s post. But, since this post directly involves one of my sisters, The Sister Stories ended up winning. You should still click that link and read a post I wrote about two weeks ago.
It’s been 3,133 days (roughly) since my husband and I began trying to expand our family. That’s 8 years & 7 months. We have felt parenthood almost in our hands and have watched it slip through our fingers six times now. I have lost five pregnancies.
The hurdles seem to have gotten higher with each passing year. For a while there, the valleys were really low, too.
“Wait, but you said six and then five…that doesn’t add up?”
This past week played out how most of our other major weeks have gone. We did another Frozen Embryo Transfer and got a rock solid first beta last Monday leaving us feeling incredibly hopeful (yet not quite excited, luckily, because we’ve been there before). Unfortunately it was followed up with two consecutive dropping betas and we officially added our sixth lost pregnancy to our story this past Friday.
Except this time things were different. This time it was my sister who was taking the medication, my sister who laid on the table, my sister who had three blood draws (sacrificing some of her vacation time). And now, it’s my sister who has to wait for nature to take its course.
It was shortly after my miscarriage last fall where Brittany offered to be our surrogate. We put it on the back burner at the time knowing we were going to try one more time with me. As sister relationships tend to go, she wanted to do it for the same reasons I didn’t want her to. Matt was on board and supportive and if Paul and I have learned anything from this journey, it’s that when a blessing is handed to you, you swallow your pride and graciously accept.
Luckily for my other sisters having at least one child already is a prerequisite to being a surrogate, which means everyone but Brittany
was off the hook, couldn’t volunteer. I hope they all know that if my uterus wasn’t a proven hostile environment, I’d offer to do the same for them in a heartbeat.
When Paul and I are truly fighting infertility…we’re fighting really hard. Have you ever ridden the Rock ‘n’Roller Coaster in Disney World? Much of the past 8 years and 7 months has felt like we’re weaving through a ridiculously long wait and when we finally see our destination-we board our car and buckle up and then in approximately 2.8 seconds we’ve gone from zero to 57 mph. When you’re shot out of that tunnel it’s hard to catch your breath. You’re lucky if you can let out a shriek and all you’re thinking to yourself is “For the love of God…don’t let go”. If you’re anything like me, you spend all the dips and loops during the ride in an equal state of telling yourself you really are enjoying this while silently saying your prayers. You know eventually that car will pull back into the station and you’ll go on your merry way, but for us, we feel like our car keeps getting put on that little side track where broken cars go. Something we thought was wrong gets fixed and then our car gets another ride only to be directed back onto that broken car track again at the end. It’s exhausting.
It’s been one heck of a long ride. It’s a good thing that Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster is one of my favorite rides (though I sure could use a good dose of It’s a Small World’s boring boat ride right about now-on second thought, with our luck that boat would probably sink.)
This past spring has been no different. Brittany and I met with her doctor to get her blessing and our RE to get his blessing, too. The same week we closed on our new house, we also met with a surrogacy lawyer to begin the contract writing. (Don’t even get me started on the legal system.) May & June & July were full of legal things, doctor’s appointments, notary visits, prescription filling and pharmacy visiting…and trying to get settled into the new house. My naps need naps. (If only I had time for one of those!)
The gratefulness we feel towards my sister (and her husband) is too deep to adequately put into words.
Anyways, so we’ve been knocked down again. We have one adopted embryo left. Maybe we’ll use it sooner, maybe we’ll use it later. The verdict is still out (’cause you know-finances).
Who knows how many more days we’ll add to our story. And who knows how many times our little car will keep getting sent to the broken track. Honestly, at this point, it doesn’t matter to me.
All I know is when our ride finally does stop, we’ll look at each other and know that was the very best ride of our life.
(Though I promise, we won’t be asking to ride again!!! 😉 )